We have a pretty spacious backyard that I never use. I barely take the children to the backyard because I have a pretty intense phobia towards anything that crawls. I cringe at the sight of bugs, spiders, worms, even flies and they don’t even crawl. I have a very odd phobia that my kids will get bit by some ginormous spider. I know that can happen anywhere, but our home happens to house a ton of spiders. It’s quite annoying to be honest. I constantly have to clean, and I have looked up every possible way to get rid of spiders in our home. Unfortunately, spiders are going to be outside and that freaks me the hell out!
Which brings us to the part where I do not use the backyard for the kids. I know that sounds horrible, but my phobia brings me paranoia and it makes my anxiety flare up. I’ve hung out at the backyard on multiple occasions. We have thrown multiple family parties out back. I get distracted with people around and I tend to forget about my phobia for a split second. I do not make it a habit of hanging out at the backyard with the kids, especially alone. In reality, that’s a stupid reason and I know that. I can’t help the feeling I get being in the backyard or just being outdoors.
This last weekend, Daddy decided to mow the lawn. He loves taking care of our front and backyard. He finds it peaceful and he enjoys how lush and well groomed the grass is. He takes lots of pride in how much work he’s put in to make something out of nothing. I won’t lie, it looks really good. Which brings me to the part where I took the kids to the backyard to hang out. I had Eleanor in the carrier, and I let Penny run around while her dad was mowing the lawn. She was so happy just to be able to get out and run around. I felt bad because even when her dad was out there with us, I still had a rush of anxiety of her getting dirty or getting bit by something. We were outside for a good 20 minutes and that was more than enough for me. Poor thing wanted to stay outside, but her dad was tired from cleaning the lawn up.
I love seeing that little face smile and get so excited, She enjoys nature so much, and it honestly surprises me. I barely take them outside, but I know that when she is over at her grandparents they always take her outdoors. I have just never been an outdoorsy kind of gal. I can already see that she’s going to be the complete opposite of me. I’m totally fine with that. I just want the kids to live their best lives and enjoy their childhood, even if that means having to step outside and facing my phobia from time to time.